Reincarnations and other such Tragedies
by Aziexxx
Summary: Merlin doesn't know who she is. In fact, she thinks her name is Myra. She grows up like any other normal girl, even falls in love with another perfectly normal teenager - Gary. But then her world comes crashing down on her - or, well, Merlin's world does. This is a story of how Merlin searches the ends of the earth for Arthur and learns to live with all her sins in doing so.
1. Chapter 1

When Myra woke up on her eighteenth birthday, she knew something was a bit off. She couldn't quite put her finger on just what, but there was a slight twinge in her stomach, almost like she was about to be sick. She tried to brush it off as being excitement for the day - her boyfriend of three years, Gary, had promised to have a big surprise waiting for her today. Which, on any other day would be a scary thought, what with his love of tricks and pranks, but for today she just knew he'd have planned something really special.

She got out of bed a little slower than she normally did, a hand clutched to her flat abdomen. Maybe she'd eaten some thing a bit off the other day? There was that chicken in the fridge that had smelt funny, but her mum had reassured her it was perfectly edible.

_Maybe not_, she thought, as her stomach suddenly lurched. She panicked internally, scared to think she'd miss out on Gary's first proper planned _anything_. He was always sweet and cheeky, and had been a right playboy before he'd met her, but presents really weren't his fort. Both last year and the year before he'd gone and gotten her _socks_. Literally showed up at her door, present-wrapped socks in one hand and a smuggled bottle of wine in the other. He did make up for it both times with movie marathons and jokes all day, but in all honesty even _he_ looked apologetic.

This year would be different though. He was beyond amazing on a normal day but yesterday, as he'd told her she would be in for a shock, he'd practically been glowing with joy. She would not disappoint him. Rubbing her mid-section, she shuffled into the bathroom. After using the toilet and quickly showering, she finally got a look at herself in the mirror. What she saw made her gasp.

Her blue eyes were bloodshot and had dark bags underneath them - even though she'd gone to sleep at ten o'clock the night before. Her face was pale - more so than her normal porcelain complexion - and her otherwise softly curling black hair looked like a cross between a bird's nest and a battlefield. She looked like a mess. Worse than a mess, she looked like a corpse. And she couldn't think of why.

As she pondered, tentatively bringing a hand to touch her face, she saw something through the corner of her eye. It only lasted a second. Barely a flash, really. But she knew, without a doubt, what she'd just seen. It was _her_ - her face, body, her very own eyes just beside her for that one nano-second, with such a sad expression on her face... it was a look that would've made Myra herself feel sad if she weren't panicking so much from the sight. That had been _her_, only not somehow. Was she so sick she was _hallucinating_ now?

Shaking her head to clear the thought - of all thoughts about being sick - she swiftly went back to her room to change and hopefully cover the signs of her illness with make-up. She would _not_ miss her date with Gary.

Once she was happy with her outfit - she'd stupidly forgotten to pick one out the night before - a simple dark blue, knee-length dress and brown ankle-boots, she went back to her wardrobe to look for a light jacket and scarf. It was very early September and the weather was a constant cool and breezy. She settled with a light blue denim jacket and was just about to grab her favourite white scarf when a sudden, random twitch of her shoulder brought her hand to an older, red scarf. It was almost as if she'd lost control of her arm. Shakily laughing to herself, she gently pulled out the material, as if she thought it might break in her grasp.

For some indescribable reason, the otherwise ratty and fluffy scarf felt almost too-precious for her to look at. Almost as if it wasn't _her_ that was looking at it, but someone else, someone who had memories about a scarf just like this one. Myra was beyond a little scared now. This day was already too weird than could ever be considered normal and it wasn't even noon yet.

She huffed out an annoyed breath and wrapped the scarf around her neck with one hand whilst she texted Gary with her other.

_Hey. All set, when r u gonna get here?_

The reply came almost instantly. _Already on my way, love._

Myra chuckled to herself as she made her way downstairs for a quick breakfast. This was good, some good old Gary to cool her down was _just_ what she needed. Despite all his sock-giving ways, he had the amazing ability to always know when she needed him - without her having to say a word. It'd been the same since the first day they'd first met. And what a day that'd been.

She'd been walking home from school, with her earphones in as always, and so hadn't heard the screeching wheels of the car that'd suddenly rounded the sharp bend. Facing the other way, completely oblivious, she would've been hit by the speeding vehicle had _he_ not come along and pulled her out of the way. Gary. She didn't know him - and he hadn't known her - because he'd just moved to the area and wouldn't be coming to her school till the next week. But he'd gotten his arm broken for her, when he let her fall on top of him a foot away from the car that'd - _thankfully _- swerved left.

She'd spent the next couple days with him at the hospital, then at school, and before either of them could pinpoint when exactly it happened, they were boyfriend and girlfriend and their school's own _'perfect couple'. _Inseparable and loving it. He liked to wind her up and fake-flirt with other girls and then pouted sweetly when she retaliated. Every time she had a fight with a friend or her forever-out-of-town parents, there he would be, her very own radiator-slash-cushion to take all the pain away. She liked to think she was the same for him but that probably wasn't the case.

She was pondering on just how she might try and help him, too, if he got especially unhappy one day - which really wasn't often, with his happy-go-lucky personality - when the door-bell rang. Getting up excitedly - not without her stomach lurching, unfortunately - she bounded over to open the door and smiled.

There he stood, neck-length brown hair gleaming, brown eyes shinning - the perfect picture of health and happiness. That is, of course, until he got a better look at her. She should've known she couldn't hide it from him.

"Are you okay?" he asks, stepping inside to gently cup her cheek. "You look like shit."

"Why thank you, oh-so-kind boyfriend of mine. Just _sick_ would've done the trick." She replies, none too nicely.

He grins at her, but she can see the that there's worry in his eyes. Closing the door behind him, he follows her inside and sits next to her on the couch.

"I'm okay, really," She smiles reassuringly at him. "I've just felt a bit off this morning, is all. Nothing that'll keep me away from this surprise of yours. Now _that's_ kept me thinking all night."

Just as she'd hoped, some of the mischief came back in his eyes as they glance down at her lips before he speaks.

"Oh is that so? And was it _just_ my present that kept you up or was it really _me_?"

She tilts my head to the side, as if seriously contemplating her answer. "Hmmm... I don't know. Why don't you tell me?" She finally say, pulling his mouth onto hers for a kiss.

He responds immediately, one hand resting comfortably on her hip as the other threads through her hair. She pulls on his own long hair, eliciting a soft moan from him, and then giggles when he slips his tongue in her mouth.

They haven't really gotten far, sex-wise, but he'd said he could wait for her for however long she needed. Which was sweet, really, considering she'd already explained it could be a _long_ wait.

She wasn't sure exactly _why_, considering she had no reservations about sex or _him_, but something had always made her feel a bit queasy about them sleeping together. Whenever they got _almost_ there, she just had to pull out. It was almost as if her body and mind would separate - whereas her body was practically crying to be with him, her mind simply put its foot down and said _no_. She hoped to change that tonight.

When they finally parted, both gasping slightly but smiling, she looked up into his eyes, witty remark on her lips. But her breath caught in her mouth before she could utter a word. Just like before, for barely a few seconds, she saw something - _someone_ - that couldn't possibly be there. In place of her Gary sat a man - a man with Gary's face, his smile - only he wore such strange clothes, like some kind of armour. And he looked so very tired.

As the window streamed in sunlight behind him, like a halo, he said only seven words. And then he was gone.

"_Merlin. It is time to wake up_."

"Myra! MYRA! Wake up, please, sweetie! Can you hear me?" Suddenly Gary was speaking, shaking her shoulders. When had she laid down? Rubbing at her tired eyes, she frowned at him, confused. At least he was dressed normally.

"What's going on?" She asks, her voice sounding horse even to her own ears.

"You fainted. For almost five minutes. I was just about to call the ambulance when you started to groan and open your eyes." Gary looks panicked, terrified even. "Don't you ever dare scare me like that again! I thought I'd- I'd _kissed_ you to death. I mean, I know I'm good, but _that_ good? I almost feel like I should be impressed-"

He stops talking after glancing at her face. His expression becomes more serious - if that were even possible - and cups her face again, like he'd done when he'd first saw her.

"Tell me seriously. Are you okay?"

She'd just opened her mouth to answer when her stomach all but punched her from the inside out, leaving her gasping for breath, and still it wasn't over. She didn't know what was happening - hadn't the energy to even think - when suddenly it was like her mind was exploding. Only it became evident very quickly that that wasn't the right way to put it.

_Merlin's_ mind was exploding. And _Myra _couldn't do a thing about it.

She could still hear Gary speaking - swearing it seemed like, and trying to use his mobile - as she spasmed violently on the couch. Although she couldn't think straight it was clear enough that some foreign part of her brain - a part hidden right at the back, that'd only surfaced for the first time today - was trying to get out. To take over her. And if not letting it do so would mean to stay in this state of agony, Myra saw only one solution: to let it out.

And it was so, gasping for air for the first time in a few decades, that Merlin woke up in yet another reincarnation, hoping beyond hope that she'd meet Arthur again, _finally_. It was all she'd been living for for the last dozen centuries or so. It was all she could think about, an-all consuming direction in her existence since the moment she split her immortality between her closest friends and loved ones.

The first face she saw was Gwaine's, framed by his oh-so-famous chestnut waves of hair. It was good to see he hadn't cut it this time. Although they mostly had control over their reincarnated bodies before being re-awoken, _sometimes_ they acted almost of their own accord. Last time, for example, Gwaine had had a military-short hair cut - something that had _really_ put him off when she'd finally gotten around to waking him up.

She smiled up at him, remembering that it'd been a vision of him that'd brought her fully back, and held out her hand to him.

"Sorry for scaring you," She says gently, her reincarnation's - Myra's - memories still at the forefront of her mind. "But I've woken up now. And I think it's time you did, too."


	2. Chapter 2

_"Sorry for scaring you," She says gently, her reincarnation's - Myra's - memories still at the forefront of her mind. "But I've woken up now. And I think it's time you did, too."_

Gary had been immediately wary after she'd said that, understandably - considering what the last few minutes had been like for him. He had one hand clutching her hip like it was life support and the other held his mobile, shaking ever so slightly.

Merlin sat up, feeling that beautifully tingly feeling encompass her as it always did when her magic came free after her slumber. She'd been asleep for almost two decades this time, strangely - normally she came back into herself during puberty - and so she almost felt swamped with her power. It almost made her giddy.

Gary had slowly but surely started to inch away from her, no-doubt taking into account how swiftly her odd transformation had occurred. The tired-eyes and near-about dead look of her was, sadly, an uncomfortable accompaniment of the process - one the others, damn their resilience, didn't have to go through - but it all vanished almost immediately afterwards.

Reaching out one hands towards this man - whom she could only think of as her beloved friend Gwaine, no matter who he himself thought he was - she smiled hesitantly, trying to channel the now echo of who had been 'Myra' into the action. He smiled back, if not shakily, and seemed to shrug off his anxiousness, laughing like Gwaine always would when he tried to hide his embarrassment.

"Sorry, love," he says, voice still quite a bit younger than it'd been when they'd first, _originally_ met. "I don't know what got into me there. You just scared me. Please, if you care about my sanity, don't _ever_ do that again." He smiles as her says it, dropping his phone onto the couch between them so he can place his hand in hers. She smiles again - not in the shy, innocent way Myra would - but a full out Cheshire-grin, a _Merlin_ grin. And then she lets her magic encompass him, too.

The transformation only takes a few seconds, sometimes longer - just until the other 'person' accepts all of their past memories - but it's always a sight to see, especially for Merlin, who's always (obviously) the first to do it. First his face constricts with pain - a very sever, sharp pain Merlin never has been able to blunt for them - and then it clears as his eyes grow sharper with knowledge and understanding and a certain quality of wonder that is so distinctly Gwaine Merlin almost cries.

Carefully - as if afraid to hurt himself - Gwaine turns his head, his face a touch groggy. His eyes focus on Merlin immediately and his hand tightens around hers and then suddenly he's hugging her and laughing into her hair. When he pulls away his grin is sly and his face gives away that he's going through 'Gary''s memories.

"So... _love_," he says the word like he's purring it, clearly enjoying himself. "This is new. Don't think I've kissed you since that last time near the stables, just before Arthur pun-" Gwaine stops mid-sentence at the sad glint in her eye that she never can seem to hide - not from him at least - and soundly smacks himself on the head.

"God, Merlin, I'm sorry, I didn't even _think_... have you found him yet? Maybe after I died?" He asks, voice hopeful. Much to everyone's sadness, Gwaine had passed away quite early their last reincarnation - as he'd decided to stay in the army because it reminded him of 'the good old days'. It was World War One and he'd been barely twenty five when his encampment had been bombed. They'd all searched for him despite his KIA status, to no avail. But in none of the next forty eight years Merlin herself had lived had she found Arthur, just as had been the case in all her other lifetimes.

She didn't need to speak - to say with words what the pain in her eyes conveyed - for Gwaine to get the message.

"I'm so sorry, Merlin," He says, pulling her back into a gentle hug - as if she's now the one he's afraid to hurt. "You'll find him one day. I know it. Two-sides of the same coin and all that rubbish, right?" Merlin giggles at that, just as he'd expected her to. They both sat like that, arms wrapped around each other and his head on-top of hers for what seemed like hours after that.

* * *

"So...," Merlin finally says, once they'd finally gotten up, if only to go and make themselves some tea. "Where should we start looking for the others?"

Gwaine shrugged his shoulders as he gulped down his tea, sitting with his legs crossed underneath him. "I really don't know. Isn't that your type of thing? And I'm usually the last person you come to, remember?"

Merlin sighs and nods, already having started to contemplate why Gwaine might have been first this time. A small part of her mind - the hopeful, almost whiny side that always seemed to be reborn along with her normal, rational brain - started whispering about the importance of _strength_ and how it might mean _courage_ is near.

Merlin physically shook herself, not letting herself become overly hopeful without any actual _proof_ - she'd learned the hard way, many, _many_ times in the past how much just a little bit of hope can crush your soul when unfounded. No, she definitely wouldn't think about _him_, wouldn't focus on the images of his broken, bloody body - images that plagued her nightmares as it was.

She'd failed him, as she'd always seemed to do, so it was no wonder he hadn't reappeared in her life as of yet. But that didn't mean she wouldn't keep looking, trying, _yearning_...

"Well, _normally_..." Merlin coughs, trying to focus her attention on the present rather than the past. "I'd just sort of, you know, go about the normal route that would've been my plan in life and, along the way, you all just sort of showed up."

"Like how you were a nurse when we met last." Gwaine nods, plonking his now finished cupper on the side-table.

"Exactly. Though sometimes, like now for instance, one of you would've been a friend or acquaintance of mine and that would help. Percy, especially, always had ideas as to what we could try." Merlin smiles as she says it, thinking fondly of the always ever-insightful, gentle giant.

Gwaine's smiling as well, though in a much more cheeky way she'd much rather not know the reason behind. Their hands are clasped loosely together and that only causes Merlin to smile more. Most of her friends forgot - never Gwaine - that the rebirth process, especially that of the others, really wore her out. But by simply holding a hand, sharing that feeling of comfort in the small touch, she always felt more tethered to reality. More Merlin and less spiritual magic attempting to fly away.

She sighs, because _why the hell not_ - she was already bone-achingly tired - and stands up to stretch her stiff joints. She'd just have to go about her normal routine, get everything packed and ready for Uni and hope for the best. At least that was something she was genuinely looking forward to: _Learning_. Something that being a _female _and of constantly lower-class meant she'd never had the chance to do before. Not to mention just who she thought she might find there - Gaius. He always seemed to be a teacher or healer of some sort, no matter the lifetime. Just as surely as she'd always been alone.

Turning back to Gwaine, a sudden thought pops into her head and she almost feels as light-headed as _Myra_ always felt around 'Gary'.

"Hey, Gwaaaaine...," She says his name so it stretches out, a tell-tale sign she wants something.

"Yes, Meeeeeeerrliiiin?" He responds in the like, eye-brow raised.

"I was just wondering, for curiosity's sake, whatever did you - Gary - have planned for my birthday? I have to tell you, as Myra, I was utterly excited."

Gwaine pauses for a moment, clearly trying to remember, and suddenly he has an almost-pained expression on his face. He nervously combs a hand through his luscious hair, as he only does when he's agitated, and looks up at her... _apologetically_?

"Erm, right, about that... look, Merlin, he was _obsessed_ with her - you - _Myra_, and, well... hewasgoingtoaskyoutomarryhim!" Gwaine suddenly shouts, throwing a small black box she hadn't seen tucked away in the pocket of his jacket at her. Merlin catches it by some streak of luck - she was still, miserably, clumsy - and gasps.

It was, without a doubt, a _ring_ box. She looks back at Gwaine, who's not meeting her eyes, and opens it. Inside sat perhaps the second most beautiful ring she'd ever seen - second only to the one Arthur had given her when _he'd_ proposed. It was simplistic, just as she'd have liked, with a small but pretty emerald stone set in the middle.

"How... did Gary even afford this?" She finally asks, once she finds her voice, still shocked by the revelation.

"Been saving up," is Gwaine's short, still quite embarrassed reply. "He knew it was early - that we're both barely adults - but he knew it was all he wanted. All he needed was for you to say yes."

"I would've," says Merlin immediately, before she can stop herself. "_Myra_ would've, I mean. She was just as much _obsessed_, as you put it, with you as Gary was clearly with her." Merlin quickly corrects herself, feeling one of her infamously all-consuming blushes begin to spread.

Seeing her discomfort, and finally out of the lime-light, Gwaine grins and stands up so as to swing an arm around her shoulders. "Hey, Merlin, it's totally okay to admit your feelings for me. I now you've fancied me since back in Camelot!" Then he chucks her under the chin in an all-too patronizing way he knows Merlin can't stand, before running around to the other side of the sofas.

Merlin gasps and immediately chases after him to hit him, as Gwaine knew she would. If only for now, for the few brief moments in-between her sorrow Gwaine could capture her attention, he would. He couldn't believe this was yet another awkward encounter he'd escaped without Merlin realizing his feelings for her, and he'd rather keep it that way. She needed a friend, a _best_ friend, when the one she truly _wanted_ couldn't be here.

So that was what Gwaine would be, just as he had been for the last thousand or so years of their history. Her own personal source of _strength_ until her _courage_ returned.

* * *

**_Sneak peak of next chap:_**

_The campus was large, much larger than she'd remembered it being from the open day, but thankfully her and Gwaine's dorm was very close to the English building, where she'd be spending most of her time. _

_She walked through the large throng of people, on her way to meet Gwaine for the lunch they'd had planned, when the sight of a strangely familiar, golden-blond head came into view. It was just the back of a head, nothing special, and yet as surely as she felt her magic surge inside of her like tidal waves, she just _knew_. _

_She knew just who that distant, bobbing head belonged to, and it was like suddenly she couldn't breathe. It was then, as she stood frozen in a courtyard surrounded by strangers, that he turned around and - as if by _magic_ - his eyes met hers. _


	3. Chapter 3

_The dream was the same as it always was. Merlin was running, as fast as her skinny little legs could take her. She pushed past friend and foe alike, paying no mind to who she might hurt, just to get to _him_. _

_Arthur. _Her _Arthur. The man she'd hated, then liked, then inevitably loved so much she thought her heart might burst. _

_He was in danger and she was trying to reach him, always only _trying_, but he was always so far away. And then _she _would appear. _Morgana_. _

_"You'll never reach him, Merlin. Or should I call you _Emrys_?" Her voice is hushed and yet so full of wicked glee and torment that Merlin just wants to throttle her. But she can't. Not until it's_ too late.

_"If you know who I am Morgana, you should know better than to stand in my way. Move aside or I'll have no choice but to kill you once and for all." Merlin's voice is just as hushed, made more so by the sheer sound of the chaos which surrounded them, but she spoke with such utter coldness even Morgana gulped. And yet the witch knew not how to cease her foolishness. _

_"_You_? Kill _me_? Please, Merlin, at least don't make stupid threats! I'm a high priestess. No mortal blade can kill me, or did you not know that?" Morgana's grin is smug, as it always seemed to be, but her voice did quiver ever so slightly. Merlin sighed, as she could only do when dealing with an arrogant Pendragon, and smiled sadly at Morgana. _

_"I blame myself for what you've become. But... this has to end." Merlin steadily made her way closer to Morgana, her face masking her emotions of regret and pain for the sister she'd found and lost in the witch before her so many years ago. "As you know, I am Emrys. _I am magic_. And I need no blade." _

_Merlin came forward then with such speed and power - qualities she never seemed to posses in any other part of the dream - and, with the simple thought of death and a touch of her hand on Morgana's forehead, she sent the witch to her knees. Morgana's eyes grew wide as she gasped, feeling her life, her magic, leave her. _

_"Goodbye, Morgana." Merlin whispered, gently laying her down on the ground, tears in her own eyes. Morgana had died because of her, in more ways than one. She could not let any others do the same._

_And yet, when she looked up, that had already happened. She'd known it would but the sight always made her gasp as though she were truly there once more. Far ahead of her, too far for her to reach, stood the man she loved. His sword was thrust inside of Mordred - yet another poor soul Merlin had failed - whilst his mid-section bled profusely. _

_Everything happened comparatively quickly after that. Mordred fell, a sick grin on his face, and then so did Arthur. She knew, though she could not hear him from where she stood, that his last thought, the very last whisper on his lips was 'Merlin'. _

_And then he died. _

_Merlin's eyes filled with tears as she fell to her knees, utterly devoid of strength. Or, to put it more accurately, she'd simply lost all _courage_. The people around her still fought, not having realized their leaders had fallen, but Merlin didn't care. All she could think, feel, see... was Arthur. Lying bloody on the ground, his heart pierced by Mordred's sword. Merlin felt like she couldn't breathe, like she was choking on blood, _their_ blood - the blood of the countless people she'd failed. _

And it was with that feeling, always with that feeling, that Merlin woke up, gasping. It took her lungs an excruciatingly long time to re-learn how to breathe and even when they did, still her tears prevented her from seeing anything. She rubbed at her eyes with the back of her hands, her hair a mess of tangles in front of her face. She was a mess - as was usual around about this time in her reincarnations. It always took her awhile to settle and block the memories.

She sat there, feeling utterly exhausted, until Gwaine found her. It was still early morning - barely five o'clock - but he'd woken up with a bad feeling and had known to come to her. He climbed into bed beside her, as he sometimes would do when she was too tired to protest, and gathered her in his arms whispering 'It's going to be okay'. It never was, but she wasn't about to reject his comfort.

They both fell back asleep like that, shuffled close together on Merlin's small single bed, to the sound of birdsong as the sun began to rise outside.

* * *

Merlin was late. She didn't mean to be - neither of them did - but they'd overslept and then argued, albeit good-naturally, over who got to shower first. It'd been Merlin, obviously, but she took so long they now had approximately ten minutes to get to their new dorm.

It was an exciting day for the two of them, going to Uni and all, and they needed to make a good first impression.

Their bus stop was a couple streets away from their new home - home for only the first year of their undergraduate course, in actual fact - but they still rushed over together, to find their rooms.

They had applied to the same hall with the intention to live together and had succeeded, although technically they lived a floor apart. Gwaine had the furthest length to travel, up to the third floor, whereas Merlin's shared room would be on the second. They rolled and pulled their suitcases up the stairs - their building had no elevators, unfortunately - with a lot of fuss and groaning.

Merlin waved Gwaine off when she reached her own floor, grinning at the knackered look on his face as he carried on up the stairs. She walked along the hall until she reached her room, 210, and pulled out the key she'd been given only days ago. She could hear voices inside, her roommates, she assumed, and hurried to get the key in the door. She just hoped she wasn't so late as to get the worst room of the lot, as Gwaine had warned her would happen earlier that morning.

The moment she walked in through the door, however, that became the last of her worries. All noise ceased as she shuffled into the living room, dragging her heavy suitcase in behind her. Three heads were turned to face her, two of which were boys, twins by the looks of it. They had identical blue eyes and brown hair and curious looks on their faces. The other person, a petite blonde girl, was grinning at her, and raised a tiny hand to wave at Merlin.

Merlin smiled shyly, suddenly doubting her whole 'carry on with life' approach, but walked towards them nonetheless.

"Hey," she says, shaking all of their hands in turn. "I'm Mer- I mean, _Myra_. Sorry, long day." She quickly corrects herself, blushing at their odd looks.

The blond girl smiles and shakes her head, squeezing Merlin's hand a little _too _enthusiastically. "'S okay. We've all been there. And I'm Ally by the way, and these are Dom and Trev. Twins, obviously." She giggles, as the boys nod solemnly at Merlin. She nods right back at them, as seems to be the only way to respond when you have nothing to say.

Happy the awkward introductions have been made, Merlin gestures behind her at her suitcase. "Um, have you guys already chosen your rooms, then? I really just wanna put that thing away."

"Nah, we thought it'd be best if we just waited till everyone's here before we decide on rooms," Dom says stoically - or is it Trev? Merlin couldn't remember which was which - and motions behind him where indeed three suitcases have been placed together.

Merlin sighs, foreseeing a lot more socializing than she'd have liked in her future. Not that she hates meeting new people, it was just that... she hated the thought that she'd _outlive_ them. It made the whole friend-making thing a little too much to stomach. One minute you're enjoying someone's company, then what feels like barely a minute later they've been dead for years.

Ally and the boys move to sit on the lone couch in the room and Merlin follows suit by pulling up a chair from the dinning table in the conjoining kitchen area. Ally turns to face her, almost expectantly, whilst the boys seem to be looking anywhere but at her.

"So... how many more people are we waiting for?" Merlin finally asks, when she can't stand the silence anymore.

"Well, there are seven rooms all together, so only three more people." Ally chirps, smiling a too-wide smile, confirming Merlin's suspicions that Ally may, in future, be very annoying.

Merlin sighs, sparing a pitying glance at the twins - whose relatively silent behavior is starting to make sense - before sagging in her chair. She's just about to open her mouth to speak - about courses or Uni in general, she wasn't sure exactly what she would have said - when the sound of the door opening and people talking drifts over to them from the hall.

All four of them get to their feet as first one, then a second, then the third person walks into the living room. _Thank God_, Merlin thinks. She wouldn't have to wait any longer.

They make hasty introductions to the three new strangers; another girl, called Danielle, who's very tall and has hair almost as dark as Merlin's; a boy named Harry, with hair so blond Merlin feels slightly nostalgic and hazel eyes; and finally Kevin, a short Chinese boy with glasses so big they fill up half of his face. And then they go to choose their rooms.

It all happens very fast, faster than Merlin had expected, with Dom, Trev and Harry claiming the rooms nearest to the living room and subsequently the kitchen. Merlin and the remaining girls plus Kevin make their way up the short flight of stairs to the next set of rooms, next to the bathroom.

Merlin's room, thankfully, isn't very small, but medium sized, with a window that faces out onto a quiet street below. She unpacks her suitcase, pilling the clothes into her wardrobe, then falls back on her bed. She knows she should get on with the essentials - sorting out all her other things and laying down a new bed sheet, but she just wants to _rest_.

Her actual classes would start the next day, a fact Merlin was thankful for, and so she and Gwaine planned to spend the day looking around the campus. She knew it was what he'd enjoy and that he'd probably join a billion sports clubs, but she couldn't help but fell reserved. Being outside surrounded by lots of people, even whilst with Gwaine or any of her other friends near, would always make Merlin so anxious she almost felt claustrophobic _outside_.

And all because of a stupid little thing called _hope_. It made her think she might, _possibly_, glimpse Arthur in a crowd somewhere. That considering just how many people there were in the world it only made sense he'd be out there somewhere, too, waiting for her.

Merlin shook her head and sat up, fed up of her own depressing thoughts. She quickly went about making her bed and putting all the new school equipment she'd bought into the drawers of her desk. Glancing at the clock, she cursed, realizing it was already past noon - she and Gwaine had planned to get settled and meet at the cafeteria area in the center of the campus. He was probably already there, tapping his foot impatiently and checking out every girl that passed.

Merlin smiled to herself at the thought and grabbed her shoulder bag before heading out. She called a quick goodbye to Ally, who had at some point gone back downstairs to sit in the living room, as she passed her.

As she walked away from her hall, and then along more and more student-packed streets, she began to feel that claustrophobic feeling begin to start - and shut it down quickly. She couldn't afford to act like this, not on her first day at least. For Gwaine's sake if no one else's. God knew how much that man needed a break after having dealt with Merlin's trouble for so many years.

Merlin walked swiftly, barely glancing at all the tall university buildings around her, until she reached a familiar courtyard - the one directly in front of where she'd planned to meet Gwaine. Despite the fact that the campus was large, much larger than she'd remembered it being from the open day, thankfully her and Gwaine's dorm was very close to the English building, where she'd be spending most of her time. She'd chosen to study English Language and it really helped with her people-problem that her study building was so close to the Caf, her dorm and other important buildings (like the university library, for instance).

She walked through the large throng of people, on her way to meet Gwaine for the lunch they'd had planned, when the sight of a strangely familiar, golden-blond head came into view. It was just the back of a head, nothing special, and yet as surely as she felt her magic surge inside of her like tidal waves, she just knew.

She knew just who that distant, bobbing head belonged to, and it was like suddenly she couldn't breathe. It was then, as she stood frozen in a courtyard surrounded by strangers, that he turned around and - as if by magic - his eyes met hers.

And she no longer had any doubts as to who this might be. Those deep, sky-blue eyes could belong to no-one else.

Once she'd made that realisation, Merlin's limbs seemed to act all of their own accord, pulling her towards the figure of the man - no, just a boy, as of yet - that she loved with all her heart.

Arthur, too - though he may well have been named something else, and surely had no idea why he was doing so - started to move towards her. First he simply walked, then it became a fast jog until finally he was running towards her as surely as she was running towards him. They finally stopped, in the middle of the concrete courtyard, barely inches away.

"Who... who are you?" He finally asked, voice as young as she'd ever heard it. The question itself, though she'd heard it plenty times before, brought a great wave of pain - because this was _him_, her beloved, and he hadn't a clue who she was. It was one of her worst nightmares.

Merlin reached a hand towards his face, grateful when he didn't flinch away, and placed it on his left cheek. Then her other came to his right and then she was pulling his face towards hers and before she properly understood what she was doing, they were kissing.

He was clearly surprised - she could practically _feel_ his eyes as wide as hers were closed - but very quickly he settled into the kiss, pulling her into his arms. His tongue started to outline her lips, then her own tongue when she opened her mouth and Merlin practically _purred_ with satisfaction. When she finally pulled away, they were both gasping, and got quite a few raised-brows from passing students, but Merlin didn't focus on that: she only had eyes for him.

He was smiling - just like that goofy grin he would always have on his face when they'd wake up together, wrapped in each others arms, back in the days of Camelot - and one of his hands was brushing aside the unruly curls at the side of her face.

"I... don't know why you did _that_, but I'm not gonna complain," says young-Arthur, pulling Merlin in for another kiss, but she quickly stops him with a finger to his lips.

"No, sorry, that's it for now. Unless... you'll hold my hand for a second?" Merlin makes the statement a question, trying to gauge what type of person this new Arthur might be.

Some of the wonder and giddiness leaves his eyes at her statement, but he complies nonetheless, grinning at her in a way that makes Merlin feel tingly to the tips of her toes, as only Arthur can make her feel. She clasps his hand between the two of hers, suddenly anxious, and lets her magic seep onto him. What happens next is perhaps the worst possible scenario Merlin had never imagined would occur.

Arthur's eyes roll into the back of his head and he collapses onto the floor, hands still clutching hers. Merlin drops down beside him, her eyes wide with fear and worry, as people around them begin to panic and shouts of 'Call 999!' are heard.

Merlin doesn't understand what happened, or why his body was reacting in such a way - no, _rejecting_ the process in such a way - but she carried on nonetheless. It was the only thing she could do.

She pushed her magic into him, through their clasped hands and through that connection she always felt at the back of her mind, tethering her to him. She blanked out all else but _him_ and all her memories of him, willing a re-creation of his death not to occur. If he died again, in her arms no less, without her even getting to so much as _speak_ to him - the _real_ him - she felt she may just kill herself once and for all.

Suddenly Arthur's spasming stopped and his hands grew lax and Merlin could only cry as he gave all the signs of death... but then he _twitched_.

It was just a slight tremor, along his right hand, but it was there. Then so did his other hand, and his torso and suddenly his eyes were open and the process had began. His face conflicted with pain - and so forceful was this that his eyes began to water - but then he relaxed again. His eyes weren't just that of a reincarnated Arthur, but _her_ Arthur, as she had known him to be.

When he looked up at her, she saw such love and passion her breath caught in her throat - until said love was suddenly replaced by anger and a look of... was that _betrayal_?

And suddenly Merlin herself remembered. She'd never truly gotten around to telling the truth about herself to Arthur. In fact, as far as he'd been aware in his dying moments, she'd first abandoned him on his biggest battle yet and then committed the sin of all sins by revealing herself to be a sorceress on the battlefield (although technically the term was 'warlock', Merlin hadn't corrected the others when they'd called her as such).

Arthur sat up slowly, ignoring the strangers surrounding them. His eyes focused on Merlin and stayed there, as he had looked upon many a sorcerer before. The wariness utter... utter _hatred_ she saw in his eyes broke Merlin's heart into even tinier pieces than it'd previously been.

"_Mer_lin," he finally said with a hoarse, anger-filled voice that made Merlin's stomach turn. "_What_ have you done?"

_To be continued..._

* * *

**Sneak Peak of next chap:**

_Arthur's first thought, upon seeing Merlin's beautiful face hovering above him was '_I love her_'. Followed quickly after by '_Aren't I dead?_' and '_If this is Heaven that must mean Merlin's dead too!_" That thought had certainly sharpened his senses. _

_But then Arthur remembered what came before his death: Merlin's betrayal. She used magic, something she herself had said had no place in Camelot. And before that, even, she'd left him alone to 'pick herbs for Gaius'. _

_As Arthur gazed up at her tear-streaked face, he came to two conclusions simultaneously; one, he didn't know nearly as much about Merlin as he had previously thought he did; and two, he needed answers - Now._


End file.
